It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's blow job season.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
