Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
