I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize