Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
