It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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