Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
