If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
