I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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