one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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