The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize