Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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