Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
