We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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