Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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