If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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