youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
