So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
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