What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
