I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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