Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
