just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
