you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
