I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't deserve a penis
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
