Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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