i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
im six kinds of drunk right now
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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