what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
