Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
