Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
