dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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