Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
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