He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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