I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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