I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
