He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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