my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
