my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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