My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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