I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
