God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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