I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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