just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
