You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
