I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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