i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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