Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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