May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
