New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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