I am midnight drunk by noon
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
