Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Panties = found
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