Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize