shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize