genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
