I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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