A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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