we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize