I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
