what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
