You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
